luni, 10 noiembrie 2008

Hey you...

yes, you, over there! Why are you looking out the window in class, like an ordinary tired student? Don't you know you should look only at your teacher during the class? said Miss Simmons, angrily, while I did nothing wrong.
What the heck, don't we have the right not to pay attention to all the trash someone says or does, no matter what authority is he or she supposed to have? So, why don't you leave? Just tell me to shut up, and I'll listen to you.
Yes, dare to tell me to shut up! Hey! You! Over there! Tell me to shut up!
However, I won't listen to you unconditionally, no, under no circumstance shall I do that! You know why? Because my show must go on. On its normal path, whether normality exists in a stand-up comedy show or not.
So, ladies and gentlemen, tonight, get ready for a speech. I dare not say anything about the length of it. So, prepare to listen or to go to sleep. Eventually.
First of all, I'd like to talk about one of the most salient problems humanity is confronting with: global warming. We may not feel it, though, on this cold November day, yet, it's there, threatening to take over our lives and to make us evaporate, silently, out of this world.
If we look at the beauty standards existent throughout history, you can see that the female body has gone through a slow and painful process of evanescence. Remember Venus of Willendorf? And Venus of Milo? Let's not mention Boticelli's Venus; they were all full, rounded, let me say, fat. Well, today's Venus is just a bag full of bones; all her fat tissue and muscles have vaporized into thin air, because of the intense temperatures she had to stand; if global warming will continue to increase, then, the next Venus will be a skeleton, coming straight from the graveyard.
Secondly, to cheer up the atmosphere a lil' bit, I'll pass on the next subject to someone in the audience, who happens to be more interested in it. Mr Jones, aren't you more interested in global warming than I am? Any Jones seated here? No?
Damn it, I'll have to continue my speech all by myself. Secondly, global warming has lead to an outrageous, scandalous, indecent change in the shape of clothes, leaving the poor employees in fabric factories without their jobs. Imagine that, ladies and gentlemen! If all women have chosen to wear sexy short skirts and sleazy bustiers, the amount of fabric produced will decrease by 50 % the next year. So, I give to you a simple arithmetic problem, that I hope you'll solve in 500 years: how many workers in the textile industry would lose their jobs due to global warming by the next month?
I'll skip the third point, because it's worth a long explanation, and I'll go to the fourth additional one, less significant indeed. Global warming has also an advantage. By the time you realise it's snowing, winter is over and you don't have to pay any more gas bills!
Speaking about gas...who has some extra fuel? I need some for my car...I need to go home, or else!
Don't be scared, I'll use a bike this time. Bye bye, have no functioning car, gotta go. See ya, ladies and gentlemen, hope you have not fallen off your chairs!

duminică, 9 noiembrie 2008

Here we are now...

...entertain us/Hello, hello, hello, how low can we get? I mean, man, how can the world go down at such a speed rate, that it makes me dizzy enought to fall off this earth... Not literaly, of course, just for theatrical reasons, for you, my spectators, to be entertained (yawn, long and heavily sustained by sound).
All I want to say to you is...hmmm...I forgot...let me think about that...(scratching head)...Ahhh...I remember: Welcome to my show, ladies and gentlemen. Please be seated and quiet while attending it. OK? Have you heard that? PLEASE BE SEATED AND QUIET!!!!
Under no circumstances shall you leave the hall! Or else! You'll be shot in the head!!!
Wait until 9 PM! Heard that? Wait (silence period)Wait!! What in the world is happening at 9 PM? A simple answer shall I give to this question, which, by the way, is troubling only me this moment.
Well, well, well...Guess what ? My show's ending then. Still, you can leave after the break. I don't need any of your hand claps. I needn't finish the show, either, if I think better. I'll go on a date with one of the most ragged, slipshod, tired and sick of work young man that has ever lived on the planet. In case you want to vent your anger on him, I won't tell his name. Sure thing, you'll find it out yourselves, ladies and gentlemen. Now, stop and listen to a story I feel a deep urge to tell you a story about...
Tell me what! About another man in my life that has come to an end. Finally. (sobbing) No, it's not about me, I'm not dying, calm down. If you wanted to buy yourself a new pair of mourning mits, that you could latere match with your used evening dress, then, you haven't heard about the right funeral.
Anyway, he's not dead either, if you thought of that...he's alive, well and heavily entertained by female companions (frown).
That's why I became everybody's entertainer. So I could
Which shall never come into his hopefully short and painful existence. Tormented by drugs and longing for a hot woman, while having all the cold ones as often as he has cold drinks in cheap restaurants. Well, I'm satisfied he couldn't have a woman like me, no matter how hard had he tried.
Every now and then, we used to fall apart. Don't you dare to think of sex scenes! If they were there, they weren't really made up for your pervert brains, ladies and gentlemen! If they weren't, you needn't invent them, either, only to please yourself.
So, as I said, it' s over. It must have been nothing, but it's over now!
So,leave the room as fast as you can, or I'm gonna get you good!
Bye, bye, members of my audience! See ya soon!